I can't believe it's over!

I feel like this course flew by!  I have new life tools, however I haven't completely started using them as I would like to just yet!
I don't want to bore anyone with my rating system again because I used the same rating system last week when discussing my plan for reaching my new goals.  The numbers changed from Unit 3's ratings because I think this last time, I tried to put more thought into what was really going on.  I don't always like to dig deep, but that is exactly what I tried to do with last weeks assignment.
I feel I am always growing.  Every aspect of my life needs work, and if it didn't need work, it's probably because I'm dead!  The physical aspects of my life are so much easier for me to work on because I'm so passionate about it anyways, that it just comes natural.  When I set a physical goal, I happily aim to reach that goal.  Psychologically and Spiritually are a little harder for me.  I thinks it's because both of these aspects require that "dig deep" work that scares me.  I've become quite happy with just suppressing stuff that bothers me and moving on.
I have started meditating more, and it's really becoming easier for me, however, it's still a chore for me to do it.  Meaning, it doesn't come as easy for me as throwing on a pair of workout clothes and hitting the gym.  I still haven't started yoga classes, which is something I thought I really wanted to do, but I keep coming up with excuses not to.  It's definitely still on my to do list though, and I think that if I just commit to it for even a short time, I will find that I actually enjoy it!
It's been a great term, and I have truly enjoyed sharing this class with you all!  I won't lie though, chances of me ever blogging just because will probably never happen! :)
Best of luck to you all and all of your future endeavors!

My Plan to Flourish!

This week, we were asked to Blog our assignment, however I felt mine was a bit personal, not to mention brutally long for making you all have to read.  So, instead I will summarize!  :) You can thank me later.

Basically the idea was to  assess ourselves and set some goals.  We have assessed ourselves in the past.  I was a bit more gentle in the past than I was with this actual paper.  I assess my physical, psychological, and spiritual aspects of life, and here is what I came up with.

Physically I gave myself a 6.  I'm incredibly active and love everything fitness related.  Physical activity is a part of my daily life, and so all my points come from that.  I deducted points because I still have pretty bad eating habits.  I know that by eating cleaner, I not only become healthier, but I have the potential to really take my fitness levels higher.  Seems like a no brainer, but I struggle with it all the time.  I never really had to worry about what I eat from a weight point of view, and since it seems as if everything is about weight, I never cared about the other benefits of eating healthy.  Now, that I know those benefits, I want to do it, but hard habits are harder to break.  My plan is to use printed meal plans from clean eating resources.  I feel this will help get me on the right path to better food choices.

Psychologically, I am a mess, and only gave myself a 3.  I have self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, anger issues.  I've been hurt by those who are supposed to love me the most, and left feeling pretty lonely.  Before I throw myself into a full pity party, I am also blessed in many ways, but this is about what I need to improve upon, not what's already fantastic.  I feel that the meditation exercises that we have learned in class such as the subtle mind and the loving-kindness practices will be very beneficial to me.  The subtle mind really helps me find a sense of calm when I need it most, and the loving-kindness helps me focus not only on thoughts for others, but for myself as well, which is where I really need it right now.  I also found the visualization exercise regarding "A Taste of Human Flourishing" to be very beneficial.  My ultimate goal here would be to let all the good things in life be in primary control of my thoughts as opposed to the chaotic ones that tend to naturally take over. 

Spiritually, I once scored myself relatively high, but after much consideration I realized that I was wrong.  I believe my original score came from the idea that "well, I'm doing everything right".  Meaning I read my Bible every night, I pray every day, I read my devotions every day, I go to church every week, and I volunteer teach a kids fitness class at the church once a week.  However, I currently feel like I'm just going through the actions, but not really living the spiritual life that I would like to be living.  Some of the issues come back to not believing that I'm good enough to be a Christian.  I struggle with anger issues ultimately with myself, but try to blame God instead.  I struggle even more with control issues, and try to fix things myself instead of turning to God first.  Needless to say, these things leave me falling on knees begging for forgiveness more than I would like to admit.  My goal is to close this gap I have made between me and God, no matter how far out of my comfort zone I must get.  I think prayer and meditation are going to work best for me. 

This is a very chopped up version of my paper, but hopefully you get the idea.  I ended the paper with  "This is my plan, and I will flourish".  I truly believe that and I believe you all will too!

Review

This week, we were asked to review our favorite exercises.  Ha! I look back and read some of the other posts regarding these exercises and wonder, can I really have a favorite? I stunk at all of them, and well frankly, I like things that I don't stink at!  However, I am happy to say, I really do have a favorite, in fact, I think I have three!!!
The subtle mind is one that truly helps me get to a place of calmness.  I struggled with it the week we practiced it because every single time I tried the exercise, I fell asleep.  I have still been using it mostly as a sleep aid!  I've added it to my bedtime routine, after bible reading and prayer.  It is incredibly peaceful.  I now don't fall right to sleep before the exercise is over, but after moments of quietness, I have been sleeping quite well at night.
Loving-Kindness is my second favorite, although I've been trying something different with it lately, and find myself struggling, but in the long run, I think it will be beneficial.  I have know problem sending loving-kindness thoughts to everyone around me, but I do struggle with sending them my own way.  I've been practicing the exercise with a primary focus on myself.  It's much harder for me, but I've only tried a couple of times, and hope that one day I can be as nice to myself as I am to others.  Seems backwards, but that's me.
My newest favorite that I haven't tried too many times yet, but am looking forward to fitting into my crazy schedule is the great happiness, wholeness, and health visualization.  I enjoyed this one the very first time I tried it.  I felt like all good things of my life (and I have lots) were now the center of my world as opposed to all the "hectic" daily events it seems we all deal with.  I just felt like everything came easier after stopping and remembering that life truly is meant to be enjoyed!

It's been no secret over the past weeks, that meditation is a struggle for me, however, I have dived in and have no intentions of giving up.  These three exercises will probably be my "go tos" for now simply because I truly feel they will help me make meditating a lifestyle as opposed to just another homework assignment.  Peace, love, and happiness!

My inner healer needs healing!

For whatever reason, I could not do this exercise.  I tried and tried, however, I either ended up in tears or just couldn't concentrate long enough.  I have listened to people tell me over and over that sometimes these exercises just don't work, but this one just left me completely frustrated.  I think I have a lot of built up pain inside, that I've been able to push down and not think about.  Some of these exercises become a bit more personal than I would like for them to, and sometimes I don't even understand why.  More importantly, I'm not sure I'm ready to understand why. 

I don't know how I am going to encourage people to meditate.  I hope to have a future in fitness.  I enjoy working out and encouraging others to make some healthy lifestyle changes.  I believe in prayer.  I also believe in Jesus and would love to help others who don't know him get to know him.  I know meditation works for many people, and I've even had some luck with a couple of the other exercises, however it's hard for me.  I'm not super passionate about it.  I would never discourage it, but I certainly wouldn't try to offer any expertise advise about it.  Despite my negative attitude about it, I do have every intentions of continuing to try the exercises.  I'm hoping that by being able to do it on my own as opposed to feeling forced to doing it, I will have better experiences. 

Integral Assessment

This week, I repeated over and over again these words:

"May all individuals gain freedom from suffering"
"May all individuals find sustained health, happiness and wholeness"
"May I assist all individuals from gaining freedom from suffering"
"May I assist all individuals in finding health, and wholeness"

As I repeated these things throughout my days, it felt great, however, I also found myself feeling incredibly sad when bad things were happening around me, and I didn't know how to help.  With the risk of sounding incredibly selfish, some of the things I witnessed this week left me wishing I was still in my own little bubble of sunshine and rainbows.  This brings me to the integral assessment.  I think my weaknesses and levels of development fall under the interpersonal and worldly aspects.  I tend to shut myself in and I guess choose not to acknowledge bad things in the world, maybe it's a defense mechanism, I'm really not sure.  When things do happen, I feel helpless, sad, and stress about them for long periods of time.  I can say prayers, but it just seems like I want to do more, and I want to "fix" everything, but emotionally I just can't handle it.  I feel like this week, all this awareness around me, is really filled with sadness.  I hope that it's just been an exhausting week, and after catching up on some much needed rest, I will see the good in everything again.  I really kinda like that part of me much better.

The Subtle Mind Sleeps

I am coming along with this meditation stuff.  I might even go as far as to admit that I'm starting to enjoy it! Who knew that this wildly active girl could be so still.  I truly enjoyed the Loving-Kindness exercise and found myself capable of relaxing for at least a few minutes.  However, the subtle mind exercise sent me right into a peaceful sleep.  Some may see this as a fail, but not me.  I may have fallen asleep for a good twenty minutes after the exercise, but it was an amazing sleep.  I woke up feeling a great sense of calmness as well as completely energized.  I tried this exercise 4 times, and 3 of the 4 times I had this same experience.  The other time was completely unenjoyable and I just couldn't  stay focused on my breathing.  I'm finding that between prayers, exercise, and relaxation, my coping skills are incredibly enhanced.  Maybe I'm just having a good week, who knows.  However, I do know that I have never been so busy, yet so unstressed as I was this week!  Hope everyone else had a wonderful week as well!

Loving Kindness

I feel I have waited until the last moment to type this weeks blog, but I wanted to try this weeks relaxation exercise as often as possible to really give it a go.  It's no secret that I've been struggling with these exercises, however, I really enjoyed this one, well, maybe not really, but more so than the others.  It's definitely easier for me to imagine sending love and kindness and good thoughts out to others than it is to imagine lights shining through my body.  I also believe this exercise worked better for me because she didn't seem as "yappy" as the guy from previous exercises.  I enjoyed the longer silence and the sound of the waves.  When I'm doing my own breathing techniques (with no noise except for my fan), I often imagine myself laying in a field of flowers with a brook running along the side, so maybe that's why this was easier for me.  It worked even better the last few times when I just tuned out any speaking she was doing.  So, yea!  I don't consider this a fail.  Although, I truly can't lay still.  I noticed that even when my mind is feeling completely relaxed, my body is moving.  Rather I'm readjusting my legs or arms, or rolling over on my side, I'm constantly moving.  It just seems there is no one position that works for me.  My husband assured me it's no different when I'm sleeping, so maybe it's not a big deal, and I just need to embrace that I'm a mover and shaker.

Despite my numerous failed attempts at meditation, I do feel these "mental workouts" are becoming easier.  I've said in the past, I like meditating while running.  I have found that this week, I was able to think of this exercise once I got to my happy place during my run, and send these good thoughts out to loved ones as well as the strangers that I passed by on the road.  It was a great feeling, and the weird thing is that it actually knocked off a few seconds on my time.  Maybe that extra happiness led me to quicker feet, who knows.

Have a wonderful week everyone, and I hope you can feel my loving, kind, and happy thoughts that I'm sending to you all!